We here at Phizr-Mannon-Cybnot-Enrom: Food Services and Animal Waste Removal Division, FSAWRD, know the value of customer turnover. We have put these steps together to ensure a customer’s lasting and distasteful view of our brand. Studies have shown a 89% adoption rate of customer abandonment which is a 46% increase from the previous quarterly reports. Be aware that there is still a 68% apathy return rate after a 6 month separation. Generally we have found that no matter how effective this technique is applied, some customers still return due to, “Pizza fatigue syndrome”. A consistent use of this technique must be applied at every customer contact to ensure maximum egress.

1. Receive order from customer: There are effective ways for taking an order incorrectly. This is an essential first step, be sure to place the customer on hold multiple times without asking through out the order process to ensure errors.

we suggest hiring males over females as preteen males have the least amount of charisma and problem solving ability

2. Irritate the customer: This is easier than it seems. But here are some examples of how to accomplish said irritation. Use drivers that are sloppy, have them crush the food so that it is mostly stuck to the roof of the box. Also a solid technique is not to deliver what they order. Pay special attention to food types, requested extras and sauces. The more you ignore the more effective you will be at angering the customer.

3. Hire tweens as management: To minimize your overhead be sure to hire children as young as possible. Put them in management roles. Special tip: If you skip training them you will save additional payroll costs! Be careful within the hiring process. While this cannot be policy we suggest, hiring males over females, as preteen males have the least amount of charisma and problem solving ability. By hiring a female preteen you may inadvertently end up with a well spoken problem solver who will present much older. This could be disastrous as they could diffuse an otherwise perfect customer loss.

4. Blame game: Remember to execute this step correctly you must ensure the order is completely wrong, at least 4 errors minimum. See step 2. Hopefully, if you’ve follow the previous steps correctly, you will have an irate call incoming from the customer. This is an opportunity where your first responders, see step 1, can drive up the irritation level before the hand off to management. If you follow our provided script for escalation #3471a ” A manager should adopt an indignant tone that include phrases like, ” What do you think you got?!” and “Nah we sent it right”. Be sure to deliver these lines with attitude!

5. Follow through: To ensure the customer reaches the level of anger, be sure not to offer a refund on the spot. Instead, always offer to resend the order. This is a excellent way to start the process over. Be sure to repeat steps 1 through 4. If by some chance a second or third attempt is necessary, simply increase delivery time. This will ensure ‘apathy/fatigue’ in the customer, which will break the order correction cycle.

IMPORTANT NOTE: A perfect finish to the customer experience is to demand the incorrect order is returned untouched. If challenged, use script response #8b4f,”it’s policy”. This response alone is an exceptional technique to close the client relationship. Repeated use is recommended. Be sure to insinuate that the customer is trying to get free food and/or feed their oversized family for free. Making a customer wait for an additional hour with partially edible food within reach can increase rage considerably. Families with children are especially effected by this technique.

Any helpful or professional connection with the client at any part of the process will retain the customer. Stay the course, use rudeness, be cheap and follow these steps to ensure customer loss!

Remember Phizr-Mannon-Cybnot-Enrom: Food Services and Animal Waste Removal Division, FSAWRD‘s  motto! , “There are other customers, next!”